Teenage crisis

Teenage crisis.  Photo from http://creative.gettyimages.com

When it starts and when it ends a teenage crisis?

On average (for the climatic zones of Europe and NorthNorthwest Russian): 11-16 years — and the girls12-18 years — in boys. But in practice it is very individual. As a spice: teenager from Dostoyevsky's novel of the same name — twenty-one years. Not weak, is said by teens, is not it?

In general, the girls teenage crisis occurs in a milder form, occurs earlier and ends faster than boys. Perhaps this is due to the fact that the requirements for self-determination of young men and women in our society traditionally tougher than similar positions for girls and women.

Still, the beginning and the end of the adolescent crisis — especially individual case, and any accurate predictions on this issue will inevitably be in the nature of speculation.

Goals and objectives of the adolescent crisis

It is believed that the main purpose of the adolescent crisis is self-affirmation teenager defending themselves as full-fledged personality. This is partly, of course, it is true. Social, intellectual and biological maturity of the person in our society today are separated in time, that is, they occur not at the same time. And therefore, some of the "maturity" and defends our teenager. But which one?

It is understood that abiological maturity 11-year-old girls or 13-year-old the boy is out of the question. Despite the sad fact of visiting our country stratum of children whose education ends after the fifth and sixth class, the majority of young people in this age is still productive (or not) in school. Consequently, forced or voluntary, butintellectual development is also still in the middle. Social maturity occurs in our country almost no later than in most developed countries. Thirty-year man who has his own family, who regularly help old people, parents, — Is not nonsense in the Soviet Union and in Russia today. In recent years, due to the overall "Americanization" of consciousness and life itself, seems to be a trend towards earlier isolation of young people from the parent family. But while this is only a trend.

So what our teen defends maturity? Imaginary, according to most of the "victims" of the crisis of adolescence parents? Or are wesomething overlooked?

Of course, miss! For sounding terms we have not seen the main thing — the man himself. Definitely immature on all of the above (and many others) positions, but also clearly exists in our spatiotemporal continuum.

When a child is born, the first moments of his life, he is associated with the mother the umbilical cord — the biological structure of the material on which to him for the rest of fetal life there were necessary for this very life substance. Then the umbilical cord is cut, but the relationship with the child's mother is still in many ways is physical — breast feeding, close physical contact. It is known that infants deprived of their close physical contact with an adult in the first months of life, often die, even if the feeding and hygienic care of them close to a perfect performance.

When a child begins to walk, the first time he prefers to move around, holding his mother's lap, or finger. In the future (2-3 years), the child is very nervous and scared when mom or dad somewhere go, leaving him alone or with unfamiliar people.

Gradually, however, the scope of independent action expands the child. He played in the sandbox in kindergarten, runs with other children in the yard. But offended peers, breaking his knee, he still goes to mom or dad for protection, compassion and kindness. Sometimes (less and less over the years), it comes just like that gets on her knees ("Are not you ashamed, so much!") or simply pressed against my mother's side, feeling the need to "recharge" of the same biological effect on a community, without which it can not survive babies.

Since entering school sphere of social contacts a child is expanding rapidly. There are the first real friends "to the grave", the first enemies of Altruism and betrayal, loyalty and honor — all this is now out there, in the social life of the child. Is divided whether he is at home with their victories and defeats, finds and losses — it depends entirely on the behavior of their parents, from their own moral position and the sincerity of their interest in the fact that the child is not just "did not fight", not "hooligans", "was friends only with decent kids, "namely learned to communicate, lead and others to obey, to win and take a beating, to find a way out of difficult, complicated, and not always comprehensible adult situations, the relationship of children's society. At this time (5-6 grade), our imaginary Us-gum between child and parent is stretched to the maximum. Its further stretching becomes painful for one or both sides.

And luck just comes adolescence. And its aim and objective of becoming the most of this break once essential, and now holds down the further development of communication.

I'm not your appendage! — Declares a teenager. — I am an independent person.

It distorts, bluffing, and every question in the forehead ("What is it you are so independent?") he does not have a clear answer. There is just a feeling of discomfort from overstretched "elastic". If the parents at the time of the very first applications will have enough sense and courage to cut yourself this link ("Well, you're an independent person who lives next to us. Yourself you take the decisions that you can do. If you're withsomething not manage, we'll help you, but not as a vassal of the sovereign, but as your closest friends ") thata child, a teenager as a rule, suddenly frightened by the prospects opened himself to answer for everything, and at the same time grateful to my parents for the confidence he has shown in his personal forces. In this case, the conditional distance between him and the parents may be even less than it was "before the circumcision."

If (which happens much more often) the parents are afraid to cut it mentally and physically, "outdated" link, in order to replace it with a new ("It's all just words, it is actually more stupid! Do not understand! Life does not know!") then he takes the scissors teenager (sometimes in the course are mine and teeth), and that's when we are dealing not just with teens, but with adolescent crisis in all its glory. If a young person after many attempts still manages to cut the protected parents 'gum', it refers to inertia so far as to restore full relations and trust can take years.

If the parents are stronger, and resigns himself to the teenager continuing situation "sovereign — vassal", his personal development is inevitably distorted and permanently stores the infantile traits. Sometimes in this case, is developing a neurosis.

Thus, the purpose and objective of the adolescent crisis is not the acquisition of independence (it is still a teenager and do not need, and not too tough) but personal autonomy necessary for the further development of the adult personality type, that is, in other words, for the development of skills to take responsibility for the consequences of their attitudes, words and actions.

How to behave parents?

First, must be attentive to the development of age of his child, so as not to miss the first, still blurred and indistinct signs of the onset of adolescence.

As mentioned above, adolescence begins, each child at the time and no general rules here can not be dogma. I saw ten boy-Georgian, which had a distin
ct mustache and distinct teenage conflict with the Pope, who in turn could not believe it and temperamentally explained to me that he himself had no adolescent crisis was not, and in general in the Georgian families such outrages are not found.

I saw twenty-four and a young woman who came to see me with alarmed his mother, who said that here, my daughter graduated from university, got married, but flatly refuses to live independently, still throughout consults with his mother, and lives as if her mind. When she was 14, her mother is extremely pleased and would like to keep this state of relations longer. My mother as a person much more daughters, and it all happened. But the hard-won result is now somehow please stop.

First, taken seriously to individual rates of development of your child. Do not consider it a bit when he starts oschushat like a teenager. But do not push in the teen force. Perhaps your son (or daughter) needs a year or two longer than his peers. Nothing wrong with that.

Secondly, taken seriously to all statements of your teenager, no matter how stupid and immature they will mi seem.

Discuss and analyze together with the son (or daughter) of each item. Yourself so that you are equally aware that this means, for example, a phrase such as: "I still can not decide for itself!". What is behind it? I can decide for himself what kind of jacket I wear for a walk? Or I can decide for himself whether I spend the night at home? Distance, you see, "the sheer size." In addition, serious, devoid of ridicule and contempt discussion is also important because the teenager often makes his request "with reserve", as well as the names the price of market trader. It is in order to be able to bargain and give up. And parents sometimes, instead of seeing this "market" for millet, scared exorbitant demands and begin to panic and deny everything.

Third, as mentioned above, if you do well and cut the time "Us-gum. "

As early as possible let our teens as much independence as he can eat. Tedious and boring advice from him on every trifle. ("How do you think, which is better to buy wallpaper? Price Low worse or better, but more expensive?", "A cucumber which will plant this year? Just as last year, or try a new variety?"). Shamelessly implicate him in their problems and family problems. ("Today, my boss again swore that customers complain … What can I do if half of them are clearly in need of psychiatric care, how would you in my place?", "Again, my grandmother kidney pain. What do we do? Call physician or again the tablets to buy that last time helped? "). Let the teenager will realize that you are really not in words but in deeds, see in him an equal member of your family.

Fourth, make sure to do what you want to achieve from your son (or daughter). Call home if somewhere linger. Tell not only about where and with whom you walk, but also on the content of your pastime. Let's take a detailed and possibly multi-dimensional characteristics of their friends and acquaintances. This will allow you to learn more about friends of your son (or daughter). More often invites guests. If you, the parent, an "open house", you most likely will see those with whom your child spends time. And in time be able to take action if something go awry. Share your feelings and experiences. Maybe sometimes something tell your child. Share your problems with your teen. Do not hesitate to ask her advice. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes teenagers are very sensitive and tactful in assessing and correcting it is another's situations. Furthermore, in this case, significantly increases the likelihood that a problem with my child will go specifically to you, not to the nearest basement.

Fifth, try to find and fix those errors in the education that you admitted in the previous stages. Unless of course you have not done this before. Relative to "discover" the problems usually does not happen. Because it is in their teens all the mistakes made earlier climb out and begin to blossom in full bloom.

Based on the book EV Murashova "Understanding the Child", Ekaterinburg, "U-factor" 2004

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