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You Want Us to Watch What?

I was 13 years old when I first found my old man’s stash. I was digging through the drawers of his bedside table — furiously — trying to find the family photos for a school project, when I laid my eyes on it.

My dad was a traveller: he had the most exotic international porn. I could have charged top dollar on the all-boys-school black market for that. To put it into perspective for the ladies: booty bounty of this nature is akin to a shirtless Bradley Cooper in real life.

For most guys growing up, porn is a fantastical creature because it is so shrouded in secrecy — under the covers with a torch, sneaking through the house in the middle of the night like a cat burglar in an effort to imprint Elizabeth Berkley’s orgasmic Showgirls pool convulsions on a VHS tape titled, ‘Something obscure neither Mom nor Dad will be willing to investigate further’. Blue movies (and even the softer lad mags) are odes to our awkward, hormone-fuelled pubescent years, where we made more withdrawals from the ‘spank bank’ than any bricks-and-mortar financial institution.

Fast-forward to our sexually active selves, and everything we based our (wet) dreams on is a lie. Much like ladies are disappointed when they realise there is no Prince Charming willing to scale a five-storey structure on an abundance of well-conditioned curls to save the day, men will never be pleasantly surprised by a knock on the door courtesy of two gorgeous exchange students wanting to barter a three-way for some brown sugar.

Of course porn is ridiculous with its unrealistic scenarios, but we’re not engaging with it for its Academy Award tendencies. We watch it because it takes us to that world where our (teenage) sexual fantasies live. So you want to know if we want to share our porn with you? That’ll be a resounding yes — there is little fun in travelling to this heaving, heavy-breathing world alone!

We also want to share porn with you to ascertain how open (or squeamish) you are to erotic experimentation — it will provide verbal cues for how adventurous we can be with you during coital contortions. Porn (particularly the modern, in-the-palm-of-your-hand, mobile kind) becomes a tool for us to gauge — from a relatively early stage in the relationship — which content on the camera roll makes you laugh, squint or, ultimately, blush.

We will use it to test the boundaries of where soft-core sexiness ends and no-man’s-land, hard-core fetish town begins. And much like with a naughty puppy, a swift smack to the shoulder and a ‘Sies, man!’ will clearly indicate that a video we chose was a step too far.

And if the 18SN logo doesn’t rev your sexual engine, that’s okay with us. Perhaps it’s getting your partner to don a red jumpsuit, borrow his mate’s scooter and deliver a pizza, prior to eating it off your inner thighs. At the end of the day, it’s about what makes both of you hot and heavy, and adventurous in (or out of) bed.

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