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YOUR PENIS VS HER DILDO.

How long is the longest dildo, and how short is the shortest dipstick? We pit her favorite battery-operated toys with seasoned manoy. Someone else has to decide who wins, through…

DIMENSIONS

DILDO

Two things pretend-penises don’t cover in the length and girth departments: 1. They don’t have optional flaccid modes; 2. And—not counting dildos packaged as “first timer” toys (5.5” by 1.5”)—they don’t make them small. On average, they’re a clean 6 to 8 inches (excluding grip/suction base), and at their commercially available longest, can run the stretch of 11.5 to 12 inches with 1.5-to 2.5-inch girths (long whilst unproportional thin).

PENIS

Infectious disease specialist Kent Sepkowitz, in an article called «The inexact science of penis measurement” for The Medical Examiner, writes the global average male’s manoy is at 3.5- to 4-inch flaccid, 5-inch “stretched flaccid,” and 5.5- to 6-inch erect. An earlier study by Alfred Kinsey in the ’60s on self-reported measurements call it at a proud 6.5- to 7-inch erect.

Trojan condoms, in their penis sizes lab project involving 11,000 participants of varied ethnic backgrounds in the last 50 years, measure the average male adult as: 3.4 to 3.7 inch flaccid, 5.1 to 5.7 inch erect, 3.5 to 3.9 inch thick/thin.

DILDOS, PHASE ONE

In Great Britain’s Victorian era and France in the 1700s, female hysteria was treated via “pelvic massage» using a steam-powered vibrating device called a fremousso/r-believed to have been the first incarnation of the modern dildo.

RUN-TIME/JIG-ABILITY

DILDO

Powered almost entirely by a pair of general purpose AA/AAA batteries per regular or mammoth toy (or a single AA/AAA battery for the smaller 5-incher sets)—1,700 mAh to 3,000mAh of its commuted battery power converts to up to 21 hours of vibrating activity. Or roughly 30 minutes at a time via its multiple-speed vibrations, every other day, for three weeks.

PENIS

The adult male, meanwhile, according to Men’s Health Philippines, lasts an average of 5 to 10 minutes in the sack. Data from theendurancereport.com calls it at 2 to 6 minutes on average. But while 70 percent of the men surveyed in Men’s Health believed they can’t hold off the fireworks as long as they liked to, sex researcher Alfred Kinsey says being quick Point: to the barilan isn’t a problem at all, but in fact, signals DILDO “masculine vigor.»

LIGHTNING FAST!

The International Society for Sexual Medicine times ejaculation as premature when it’s “…within or about one minute.» But other mammals in the animal kingdom clock in at quick 5-15 seconds before the slosh.

TEXTURE

DILDO

Pimped with texturizing beads, bendy-ness, levels of firmness, softness, and even racial shades. Dildos can appear neon and android-like, but can also take on the appearance of a black or tisoy schlong. Silicones and jelly vibrators are closer in texture to breast implants than they are to actual skin. New material called lifelikes are clammier and pre-stickied. Glass and metal, the only dildo types that really need extra lubing—despite sounding like awkward choice materials — are rare favorites for their uncharacteristic-of-sex-toy firmness, and ability to both warm up as they’re used, or retain refrigerated coolness.

PENIS

Loose skin and creases on the shaft allow penises to “glide” efficiently in and out of mother ships. We say “gliding» over thrusting because biologists believe there’s a kind of graceful efficiency (when consensual) in the coordinated penile-vaginal rhumba, as all of our human parts were designed to fulfill their anatomical uses/purposes.

YOUR KINKIEST SEX ORGAN

…despite what sexperts say, is still your hypothalamus, the pink and gray group of cells on the underside of the brain that signal pleasure. Blow the hypothalamus off and your thrusting penis can go as numb as a toenail.

TASTE/FLAVOR

DILDO

Should taste the way they smell: neutral plasticky, sometimes strawberry- or cherry-flavored depending on rare variants. Rare because vibrators aren’t so much conventionally made for licking than they are for self-insertion.

PENIS

In the paraphrased words of one half of our columnist-duo, Jahziel Manabat: earthy, fruity, sometimes soapy “kapag conscious at nagsabonl» The bottom line still relying heavily on taste buds-and- schlong compatibility: «…minsan bet mo, minsan hindi, pero pag love mo, love mo na rin yung lasa.»

‘ANG SWEET MO NAMAN, DEAR.”

Regular kiwi and/or pineapple eating, according to the Kinsey Institute, improves the taste of both women’s vaginal fluids, and the taste of male semen.

MAINTENANCE/HYGIENE

DILDO

Xtoysphil owner Art Munoz says it’s safe to use straight out of the box, but like other newly owned things, it’s best to wash before deploying. Soap and water are the only cleaning materials you need (see: soap on, soap off), but you’ll need to air/blow dry or wipe it off with a towel before slathering lubricant to keep the material new. Wash before storing and after every use, and don’t leave the batteries in if you’re storing it for more than a month so nothing leaks. Replace when there’s visible tears, or every two years regardless of how frequent/infrequent it’s used.

PENIS

As long as you’re taking showers at least twice a week, the adult uncircumsized penis doesn’t really need its own specialized spot cleaning. Modestly hosing it down to lay off the post-urine taste is lady-appreciated. Vaginal mucus (the ladies’ natural lubes) disinfects penises of any, mostly harmless but smelly, microbes borne from the combination of hair follicles and your package being cooped up inside briefs/boxers.

Unlike female reproductive organs, the phallus is capable of reproducing sperm and making babies until the rest of his days (unless baog), its only challenge is in rising to the occasion, in which case prescription drugs are commercially available.

SOAP ON, SOAP OFF

While dildos and other toys used for self-insertion should be cleaned with soap (preferably liquid, or body washes, never detergents) and rinsed off with warm water-schlong on the other hand needs to lay off perfumed gels, which irritate and sends off your privates’ delicate pH balance, if not immediately, then over time from prolonged use.

MORE TOY TIPS!

To be extra careful of yeast and other infections, condoms can also be used with dildos

Use warm water-not kumukulong tubig-io clean dildos in every material

Cornstarch can substitute for the commercially available “renewing powder» that comes with dildos when it runs out. Pat dry to restore the material to resemble its original texture

‘Your kinkiest sex organ is still your hypothalamus. Without it, your penis is as numb

Of course you’re not threatened!

…but it helps to identify what you’re up against, here we’ve outlined what your possible karibal is made of:

SILICON

Firmer than latex, hypoallergenic, and non-porous (which means no tiny cracks for bacteria to fall into and infect your woman’s monay tunnel). Silicones are the most affordable in the higher quality material grade, and make up at least 70 percent of the commercial dildo market.

LATEX & JELLY

Softer than silicon, cheaper, bendier. Latex and jelly dildos/vibrators are popularly fitted in first-timer toys, and/or discreet dildo brands i.e. Hide-a-vibe. The only downside being they’re porous, and should take longer to clean and rinse than regular silicone and other dildo materials.

ACRYLIC/» PLASTIC”

Firmer/harder, but easiest to clean as acrylics are designed smoother, less ribbed, but non-porous.

LIFELIKE/CYBERSKIN

New material made of a combination of silicon and resin-like substances, finished off with a pre-stickied exterior complete with a pair of testicles, creased shaft, and simulated penis head. Most lifelikes have suction bases that allow for hands-free lady business.

GLASS & METAL

Retains warmth and coolness i.e. from friction, or refrigerated use (glass), and a rarity sought out by enthusiasts which conducts heat and warms up during use (metal). Both materials are the most expensive, but also the most durable of the dildo types.

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