American psychologist Albert Ellis, has revealed 12 submissions, prevailing in Western culture, is very common and often absurd, confusing. He called them "locked by consciousness." Taking a decision, the person will inevitably scrolls in the head set, inherent in it.
Therefore, in deciding, consider whether it is due to one or more of these units. If so, proceed as appropriate.
1. Everyone should love me and approve what I'm doing.
Expect it — so be inexplicable anxiety, grief, especially when we see someone we do not like or does not approve of our affairs. Obviously, adhere to this point of view is stupid, because no one can simultaneously satisfy the tastes of all people. What pleases one may irritate others.
In order to please everyone, one always has to catch the feelings of others to improve their attitude. It is better to actively seek out people with whom you would unite general studies and views so that talk was interesting. It is better to spend its forces to communicate with these friends than to try to please everyone.
2. The person should be fine (ideal) and to succeed in any field to be perfect in every way.
Obviously, to be perfect, perfect in all possible. One who puts such a goal is doomed to endless torment and disturbing thoughts about the past and the possible failures. People with these irrational ideas can achieve a lot in life, but usually how they succeed, alienates them from others. Many people, while in captivity high requirements on themselves and do not achieve what they wanted. One can not achieve (few managed) supernatural (superhuman). Of course, you need it to the top, to the productive activities in the name of progress, knowledge and development. But important to know that any person will be unsuccessful, it does not protect against failures and will depend on a variety of restrictions. It is important to do good things for that undertake, absorb the lessons that gives us life itself.
3. Certain things are wrong, and those who commit them should be punished.
Much of the work of others, we do not have to do, and, conversely, some of what we would like, they do not. But we can not count them because of bad people. Simple reprimand nothing good will. Prosecution of those too little use, and often ill. Analyzing the causes of the behavior of others, take a look at it from their point of view in order to understand the meaning of the behavior, you need to look at the situation from the standpoint of the people, and then in many cases it will be understandable.
If a person did something bad (at least from your point of view), it can happen to his stupidity, ignorance, under the influence of emotions. Therefore, we must treat this tolerant, to try to educate, to help change behavior in the desired direction.
This will benefit all. The same should apply to themselves. If someone does not like what you're doing, maybe we should not worry because of this. Just have to admit that from the perspective of the surrounding your behavior may seem wrong, inappropriate. Should I blame you for that? And because of this, should we lose heart?
It makes more sense to discuss the point of view, to compare them and see if you can learn something useful. In the conflict of any of the parties, or maybe both of them change their position, and perhaps discover that it is impossible to find agreement, but still, this approach more advantageous than mutual enmity and mutual accusations, which resulted in both sides lose.
4. Terrible when something goes wrong, how you want.
Apparent irrationality of the infantile presentation. But very often we do so, based on the illusion that the world and everything that happens must be such that we liked.
But it can not be that all went to the satisfaction of everyone. Therefore, we must accept the fact that that part of the world in which we live, will never fit our desires. And when we are confronted with the fact that we do not like, whether it is taken as a personal insult?
I must say to himself: "Yes, this is bad" or "I do not like it," then try to constructively change or improve the situation. We have often been telling children that you can not have everything that I want. But sometimes, even when older people fall into the same error, but in a more subtle and veiled. This only leads to unnecessary frustration and unrest.
5. Man upset over external events and circumstances which can not affect.
In most cases, people are upset not because of some unpleasant life events, but because they are so interpret them for themselves. Affect the external events we can often only to a small extent, but to master the analysis of how to respond to these events, you can.
For example, losing a purse, you can very upset because of this, become agitated or despair, but in itself is not as irreparable loss, but the event is not life-threatening. Highly worrying about what happened, you exaggerate its effects and to make matters worse. By doing this you are your own harm, perceiving what had happened. A reasonable approach such incident should not cause stress. These circumstances have been and will be for each person. They just have to survive.
6. Possible trouble commits to anxiety, and until the danger has passed, we should always expect it.
To think so would be unwise, such thoughts are not able to prevent trouble, they can even help to ensure that it happened. Anxiety can be so exhausting, that when trouble happens, almost no power to correct the matter. On the other hand, the vast majority of troubles, about which we had naperezhivatsya, did not happen, and if it happens, it is not so terrible, how, in imagination (fear has big eyes).
The best thing to do in this case — is to meet the evolving situation head-on. It is important to try to secure the situation, finding the right way out. Excessive excitement of no benefit. Even if the worst happens, it should be realistic to recognize that this event is unpleasant, it is not desirable, and try to escape from it. Need to stop thinking that every trouble — this is a terrible thing and a harbinger of the end of everything. It is not.
7. Avoid the hassle and responsibility is easier than taking them over and deal with them.
When a person is trying to withdraw from the difficulty and responsibility, it just creates a massive and more severe problems in the future. It is best not to hide, and to take up their decision and at the same time as to show their abilities. Delaying the problems will only intensify the anxiety, depression and guilt. Conversely, the solution enhances self-confidence, self-esteem and is a joyful feeling. Happy life — it is not the absence of problems and their successful solution.
8. There's always needed someone stronger, more powerful, to whom you can rely.
No one is completely independent and does not matter if we are dependent on others as much as they depend on us. This is common to all men, because they need each other. But our whole life can not depend on one person. Sometimes we may feel that life is impossible without someone, but it is not. Life still goes on, regardless of whether there is next to you this man or not.
It is necessary to develop the independence, individuality, integrity, and to express themselves. Then the failure or loss of a loved one will not be disastrous. Excessive dependence on another person can rob both to deprive them of something very important in life, lead to loss of self-confidence, self-development opportunities.
Part of this dependence is manifested in feelings of responsibility for what is done to us. Conversely, for having made us invested. But all of this is incorrect. If we want to help someone, you have to do it without a second thought, without expecting anything in return, except (and this is important) satisfaction that we have done what they wanted. And then they shall not consider themselves bound to others in similar circumstances.
This, of course, does not apply to contracts in which both parties had clearly arrange the requirements for each other.
9. What affects us in the past, determines our behavior now, and the influence of the past can not be overcome.
This is completely wrong. It is still possible to change what has been formed in childhood. The fact that the purpose of life of each individual — it is his personal growth and development. And we never stop changing. We are not what they were 10 years ago. And the conditions in which we live, have also changed. It is important to learn from past experience and not be too attached to it. What used to be necessary and appropriate in the past may not be suitable and not work now. Reasonable person develops and improves itself throughout life.
10. It is vitally important that the others do. We must make every effort that they have changed in the right direction.
In reality, life and the behavior of other people — it is their own business, and generally should not affect us. We can not actually affect them in any significant change. Attempts to influence them commonly cause resistance and worsen the situation. Overall, we must strive for maximum tolerance to live and let live. In fact, we upset our own interpretations and proposals relating to the behavior of other people. Usually a person whose conduct is evaluating, does not mean any of the things that you come up with.
If someone asks for help, it must provide. But we have no right to impose his help to those who do not need it. If someone's behavior is reflected in us, to discuss the situation and find a solution. However, in many cases, you just learn to accept the situation as it is. It is important to understand that people have flaws, which have to be reconciled.
11. Every problem has the right decision. How terrible if it is not found.
Unreasonable to think so, because most of the problems have many solutions, and rarely there is any one correct solution. Every possible solution has its advantages and disadvantages. We just have to choose one or the other and try it. If the selected method does not work, you need to try a new one.
The desire to find the only possible and only the right decision but tormented soul and often leads to the selection of less advantageous (strategic) options. Such decisions are rarely truly the best.
12. Can not control their emotions — we are the victims.
In fact, there are many ways to manage their emotional states. If you work on it specifically, it is possible to achieve mastery of the senses, to free from the influence of uncontrolled emotion.
In conclusion, we emphasize that such an analysis of their own and the common judgment, the application of the principles of rational thinking help fight unnecessarily anxiety. It is known that some manage to overcome such irrational notions and come to the discernment of communication, together, in dialogue with friends and acquaintances. In this sense, communication plays a preventive role.