Physical contact with the child

Physical contact with the child.  Photo from

Whether to wear, for example, the baby in her arms? Perhaps he will become then spoiled, as my grandmother says? Do you want to hug and cuddle crumbs, but to what extent permissible "calf tenderness?" Whether to sleep with the baby or better individually? At what age did your child needs as close as possible contact with my mother, and when it's time to learn self-reliance?

Wear a baby in her arms?

On this very serious issue of the famous Dr. Spock wrote the following: "The child wants to be carried on the hands, because I'm used to it and considers it his right. When a mother sits down to rest a bit, he glares at her as if saying, "Woman, work! '". Thus, in order not to spoil the baby, Spock offers physical contact to minimize.

But on the other hand, in the infancy is bodily contact is the main form of understanding the world. The maximum amount of information a child receives through the body, feeling and tasting everything that came his way.

Irina, mother Lena five months: "I give my daughter a new rattle, telling about what it is red and a loud ringing. But the child immediately shoves it in her mouth and licks, despite all my protests. "

This is — a perfectly normal behavior for a nursing infant. His thinking is not yet formed, the vision is not enough focus, so the world appears to him not in the usual locations (which we can call and remember), and in some blurred complex sensations. For example, the mother of the child is associated with a specific smell, taste, warmth.

To an infant child got enough of these feelings, it must be as many different physical contact, impressions of taste, smell, touch. Physical contact helps the child to understand the boundaries of his own body and the borders of other items.

The importance of body contact can not be overstated and emotional development of the child. Do you think it is better to soothe baby's cry — if my mother would take him in my arms, to kiss and pat yourself or if it is purely mechanical stimulation, such as popular today mobil over the crib? And an older child, hitting, running to her mother that she was sorry and caressed it. And adults in difficult times sometimes need to "cry to the vest" — that is, not as intuitive search of the same body contact? Contact which can protect, warm, calm …

It is from this lack of contact children suffer most in orphanages. If you go there, soon you from all sides literally stuck to kids who more than anything want to cuddle up to a robust adult hand.

The American scientist GF Harlow in the 1960s conducted interesting experiments with baby monkeys. Little monkey, cut off from his mother, he offered two artificial "mothers": one of them was warm and hairy, and the other — made of wire frame structures. The two "mothers" were equipped with bottles, of which the monkeys could suck milk. Kids-monkey gave a strong preference first "mother." But even more surprising is that when warm and fluffy "mama" was deprived of a bottle of milk, monkeys still chose it. So, warm body sensations mean to kids than actually feeding!

With tactile contact and bind another problem that sooner or later confronts all parents:

How to put your baby to sleep?

To this question Dr. Spock fits tightly enough: "A child needs to understand that will not achieve anything, waking and crying. Usually this can be achieved for 2-3 nights, letting him cry and not up to him. The first night, he will cry for 20-30 minutes (you feel that much longer), the second — 10 minutes, and the third will not cry at all. "

Spock's followers went even further. Once, in one of the parent magazine a couple of years ago I came across an article that promised to teach parents to cope with night awakenings child. To do this, up to 30 seconds verified by the time it is necessary to wait, before coming to the crying baby — his first awakening, for example, offered to wait 15 minutes, walk 2 minutes into the second — wait 13.5 minutes and go to 1 , 5 minutes, etc. I have a feeling that in front of me — the algorithm for a computer program, rather than tips for living parents.

However, many parents believe that in 7-8 months baby should already fall asleep on their own. The situation is complicated by the fact that this is the age of the baby increases the need to be with his mother, he needs as much as possible to spend more time on her hands. In this age of the mother is formed when the child begins to release it from other people, but so far in his mind the image of the mother is not saved. So he has a particular need for her presence. But the parents think that their child has grown enough and "insolent".

But the children of the experience, however, already an adult.

Sergey, 36 years: "One day, at a session of psychotherapy I was able to remember his childhood far, far away. I lay swaddled tightly hand and foot, and cried from hunger. I felt his utter helplessness, despair, horror, and thought, choking cry (thought still not by words but by some images): what do you do when the same to me, finally, to come … ".

Try to understand your child. Believe me, he does it not to spite you. Having lost her mother out of sight, he is not sure that she will return sometime ago. Or maybe she's gone for good?

This often kid, it seems, is not actively wants to sleep and trying to fight it tooth and nail. The fact is that as long as he has not yet formed an idea of what he would wake up from sleep. Each fall asleep to it — a little death.

Therefore crumb does not understand your educational measures. Mom was gone (for a while or forever?), And dark space is not conducive to calm down after 10-20 minutes of crying, designated by Dr. Spock. In the end, the child stops, but not because calmed down, but because it came exhaustion, and he has no more power to weep.

Sleeping in the parental bed

American pediatricians William and Martha Serz first highlighted the need of so-called style rapprochement between the child and the parents. Style approach assumes that the baby is sleeping with their parents. While a child is very young, it's really comfortable. Mom did not have to get up to feed him at night, she does, at times almost without waking up, and the baby does not suffer from loneliness, feeling close to a mother's warmth, her scent.

However, some children and parents co-sleeping is not suitable.

I grow twins. From the beginning I knew that co-sleeping — not for us. Having been on both sides lined with babies, I could not sleep at all. But a worrisome mom is uncomfortable to sleep even with one child. She fears falling asleep soundly, crush or damage the baby.

The best option — if the child wants and if this is necessary (he was crying, not sleeping in his crib), it can take confidence. If he sleeps alone, you can make up for tactile contact with him at another time. At the very beginning of life co-sleeping is important for the baby, but then it is better to gradually wean from the habit and to prepare the child for a gradual separation from you. It is important that the three years of a child sleeping in his crib. After three years of co-sleeping with his mother, the boy or the girl's father is fraught with difficulties in the formation of sexual child. By two years it is desirable that the child is not present at the sexual relationship of parents, even if you think he's fast asleep. Accidentally seen the sexual act is often perceived as a toddler aggression, to leaving the fear in his heart.

In the style of approach, no matter how wonderful it may seem, has its pitfalls. Many of the children brought up by this method are experiencing some difficulties in emotional development, adaptation to day care, school, with peers. It is very difficult to learn to wait — because a
ll their needs are met instantly. Often there is an exaggerated attachment to the mother, it is more complicated than other children to part with her. Here is one such example.

Xenia grew up literally without looking up from his mother. Mom got her kindergarten soft parenting style, where she was allowed at first to be with her daughter. In kindergarten Ksenia all the time hiding behind my mother, both literally and figuratively held on to her skirt, did not leave her side, avoiding all contact with both children and adults. It lasted three months. In the end, teachers were asked to leave my mother. Gradually, the girl began to get used to the collective. But if the contact with the children she eventually was able to establish that interact with adults it is still very difficult.

Too good — too bad

What happens when a style is being built in a certain convergence of the absolute? Based on the fact that nature is wise and just, we propose to build a parent-child relationship on the basis of a monkey family?

Our society — yet not ape tribe. So it's good or bad, but the laws of nature, by which they live monkeys, do not always fit into the culture of modern existence. Animals periods of significantly shorter than in humans. Initially baby really depends on the mother, not looking up. But soon he begins to self-study area. Generic community in animals (as, indeed, and among primitive tribes) is quite large. And when the baby gets off the mother, they begin to engage in other adult females or young monkeys "adolescents". Not one cub does not surround the scrutiny of the entire tribe, and no tribe, which lives only for the sake of the baby.

In our culture (especially the culture of big cities) the child often has a central place in the family, it becomes a sort of "pupsikom Earth." When the child grows, the focus around it often limits the freedom of its development (it does not try to crawl, to walk, to explore the world), limited to a few of his contacts with others, and therefore baby having difficulty getting into the children's group.

If all the desires of the baby instantly discern and executed, it does not experience any expectation of joy, there is no need to fight. Mom, trying to protect their child from negative emotions caused by vigorous activity, often deprives him of the activity itself. But because it is a healthy frustration is the need somehow to cope with problems and difficulties.

When my mother is always present in the field of child, he does not need to maintain its image in memory.

Sometimes parents say that the baby is crying at the slightest attempt to put it. It is important to consider two points:

  1. The child may be increased irritability or severe neurological pain syndromes (severe colic, for example). In this case, look for the cause of constant crying and where possible eliminate it.
  2. Parents used to wearing baby on her, and he also used to this. In this case you should try to take a crumb some other interesting occupation.

When the child grows, the constant physical contact restricts his freedom. Often, knowing how to crawl and walk, kid afraid to break away from her mother to go to independent travel, and prefers to be on hand. The image of the mother has not been preserved in his memory, and so the kid scared of it separated. His calmness is only possible by close tactile contact.

Constant wearing of a child in her arms and hard for my mother. Hard physically — the grown up child is very noticeable to the spine, and emotionally. After all, no one mom is not able to maintain emotional communication twenty-four hours a day. So often is "carrying on itself" replaces the normal emotional connection, which includes eye contact, dialogue, children's games, etc. Often the baby in the arms of my mother, but my mother is not with him (she is reading, cooking, sitting at a computer and etc.). It is possible that if at this moment a child playing with toys or next investigated the contents of the cabinet, it would be much better for it.

Is it easy to adjust to the world?

Our community is quite different from that to which the cook a little baby monkey. He did not have to adapt to the strict kindergarten teachers and teachers, moody boss, etc. From the hothouse home decor human baby falls into a fairly rigid society with its laws and regulations, where it is no longer the favorite, best, definitely adopted.

To the four or five years to be able to adapt in this society, the baby should gain some experience of adaptation, ways of communicating with strangers, the conquest of his territory. He needs to get used to the fact that it may not be the "most-most …", otherwise the difference between domestic and external worlds crashing down on the baby's head, like a bolt from the blue.

How to help your child adapt?

Instead of throwing everything and run away at the first call, try to explain to your child why you are forcing him to wait for that once he was a little wait, you're sure to be able to do something fun together.

Try to include some kid in a joint (or parallel) operations: set the table together, wash, etc. For example, it can deal with such attractive pots, bowls, spoons. And when you wash, let your pipsqueak redeems his doll or duck.

We also need a system of any bans. Try to make them not so much, but to be clear, firm and always respected.

Do not be afraid that your child often feels tired. Do not overpower yourself, pretending that all is well, your emotional response is still not natural. It is much better if your baby will experience empathy, compassion.

In short, you can not artificially create a natural look. Dr. Spock, giving parents some pretty sound advice, however, too early to try to adjust the idea of a child under the regime and strict regulations — from the very first days of life. Of course, the kid will have to log into the culture of the society in which he lives, but it should be done gradually and gently.

At the same time, a seemingly natural style approach, built into an absolute, sometimes forcing parents to give up their own needs, focusing on the child, that finally does not look quite natural.

And choosing a middle ground between the rigid regime and the "call of nature", remember that the important thing — your sensitive parental heart, intuition and common sense.

Inessa Smyk, Daria Golubeva

According to the magazine "Lisa. My Baby "

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