By fortune do not go

11.03.2004

11.03.2004


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Beads: <What is the most important event of my life?> Clairvoyant: <The most important event of your life ahead of you>. (Film <Heart of a Dog>)

What good healer, magicians, sorcerers and wizards? The fact that most do not need to do anything, solve all your problems for you. Come, pay the money and troubles recede. Work as soon as you find yourself a good, my husband will come back, son drink (prick) will stop, get thin on twenty pounds … The fact that all these soothsayers and fortune tellers — ordinary crooks, said and written many times, but to no avail. Lack of customers, the phone is broken, scam works successfully. Because people believe in miracles. In vain they do. Here and a fortune-teller to seek. Or maybe still necessary? To the hard way to see this? No sooner said than done. Random poke in newspaper advertisements sorcerers and seers and submit to them. Solve the non-existent problem.

Love, why are you torturing me?
Legend 1. I'm in love with a girl with whom he worked. And I can not understand how it applies to me — as a friend or as a potential lover or husband.

I called the center "Veles", explain the problem, ask about the cost. By phone answer: 1,400 rubles. A cheaper, I ask, can not? Turns out you can get advice. It costs 500 rubles, and will take me — oh, good luck! — Regina, "a famous fortune teller, a good witch. The phenomenal gift. Clairvoyance, divination, fortune-telling, strong technique of ancient magic and sorcery "(which I read in the advertisements). Are urged to bring a photo of my sweetheart.

And now I come to the office fortune tellers. The dim lights in the corner of a bubbling appliance. On the walls — wooden statues and a large painting of a painted white wolf. On the table, home ready black cloth, two decks of cards, glass balls. Regina tell about their troubles. She listens carefully. Asks where the photo. I hand it to print out half an hour before the visit to "Veles" photo of actress Natalie Portman, who played in the movie "Star Wars." Regina dissatisfied with the quality, "Oh, I do not like these new technologies. I do not know if it will work at all … ". Some time leads handed over a photograph. Then shuffle, lays out the tarot cards and asks me to choose the ones which comes from the heat. I drive a long arm, but as luck would have no card does not radiate heat. Choose at random. Sibyl shows on one of the cards and contentedly says: "Map of death." I think to myself, "Well, come." But the fortune teller calms me down and said that this card just promises change in life.

Regina then tells me how things actually: I had a moment when everything could have turned out well, but I missed it and became her "friend." "But for men there is nothing worse to be a woman that you love," girlfriend ", — says Regina and suddenly burst into wild laughter. Apparently, this situation it is related to something personal. I sadly say ditto, translating ogle at photos of actress. In addition, Regina continues, there is another serious problem. The girl, which I love, just little experience. "It has not burned for real, not eaten, pardon the expression, a piece of shit — explains the good witch. — Here you are, I see a piece of ate, right? And it is not. " I obediently nod and ask that in this situation I should take. "That's just not necessary to beat a backhand across the face and grabbing the ass of other women" — warns me Regina. I insist on specifics. And soon get it. There are three ways to resolve the problem. First, let things go on as usual as long as my co-worker does not eat his, sorry, lump and does not understand what it was I needed. Second: Regina bewitched girl. But the spell is fraught: Together, we will differently, but not the fact that we will be happy (Regina leads succinct example: "Here you go back home, ask what's for dinner. And she responds to you," Fried nails. No More " . you need it? "). And finally, the third option, the most competent: the famous fortune teller leads me work explains how to act with a girl, and I obediently follow its instructions (Regina said that sometimes they can be very stiff). The work can take months, the cost will be expensive, but the result is no doubt. I do not doubt it. I say what I think about it, I leave the room, pay off and run to the next sorcerer.

Something with my firm has …
Legend 2. I, head of the department at a large computer company, troubles at work. Chief increasingly evinces me his displeasure, and my assistant is clearly aiming at my place and in every way podsizhivaet me.

With this headache I go to the Center of practical esotericism "Alina" in Moscow Avenue. Since I take 500 rubles, and provide a receipt for payment with the seal of a cross-regional charity for the disabled "Nevsky". Then escorted to the office and left for a few minutes.

Look around. Apparently, the practice of esoteric tried to beat the office so that every visitor to find something special, and therefore prevails in the interior of a terrible eclecticism: on the shelves and racks on the walls hung with wooden sculptures, Orthodox icons and soft toys. Next to the chair for a visitor for some reason there is a big plastic dog with a sign «Welcome».

In the study comes to a "specialist, for which there are no unsolvable problems" Alina, president of the center. Saying hello, she sits down across from me at the table and starts to shuffle the deck and idly wondered, "What's the problem?" Explain. Alina throws card. It turns out the following. My deputy actually did not podsizhivaet. He just honestly trying to do their jobs. My boss is not going to expel me. Moreover, my case is not as bad as it seems. I expect a salary increase and a nice bonus (Oh! Do not forget to tell the editor!) And the fact that I have such gloomy thoughts — this is my subjective feeling, which does not coincide with the real state of things. Perhaps a consequence of a nervous and physical exhaustion.

I'm very surprised because I thought that I, as in the previous case, begin to "spin" on the money. And then this idyll. However, it lasts for long. Alina tells me that I still need to go through a session astropsychology. It costs 4,500 rubles. Before the session, I have to know the birthdays of my boss and the very reptile-podsizhivatelya. And preferably the time of their birth. "If you do not know the time, do not worry, we will know for yourself, but it will take extra half an hour," — says Alina. But after the session, I'll know everything by day, as I continue to maintain with them, when to speak, when to be quiet, when to swear, when friends. "We tell you the days when you just need to go up to your boss and spill a few words with him, let minor — and it will be credited to you as a big plus," — she promises me.

What does the future hold for me?
Legend 3. I want to know their future.

"She was delighted phenomenon continues to fascinate and prominent politicians and public figures, entertainers and athletes, writers and pop stars' — I read in the advertisement. And go to the Palace of Culture. Kapranov to the individual to "known fortune teller and" Carolina. Surprisingly, no stars and artists I've never met. And politicians and government officials are only members of the commission of the Moscow district administration to promote the election of the President, sitting in the next room.

But Carolina they clearly do not want.

In a kind of "waiting room" fifteen of thirteen old women and two young women. We were soon out stern middle-aged man in a black suit (as I understand, the fortune-teller assistant) and pushes it for ten minutes. Its meaning is as follows. We are all terribly lucky that we got to Carolina. But we have to seriously consider whether we need to go to it. Because the world famous fortune teller can find in us is what we explicitly shall rejoice. Next man figuratively compares consultation with a cut that makes the surgeon to the patient's body. That is, for 300 rubles (the cost of consultations) Carolina just peep inside, but to operate and will have to sew for other money. Require ceremonies. They are expensive. But they need to go. Do not walk as the rest of life with a cut …

After a speech assistant fits all and wondered what problems come for walkers, collect the money. Two grandmothers denied. One some problems with his grandson — a man says to the boy's mother came. Others are robbed on the bus, and she wants to know who did it. Assistant responds that such problems are not engaged in Carolina. Old women are very upset and still trying to foist a man three rubles, but he is adamant.

Surprisingly, to my assistant did not fit. Moreover, since my appearance, he looks at me extremely unfriendly. Maybe it's because I'm the only man who came from? Or is he still felt something? Whatever it was, I come to it himself.

— Hello. I heard that Carolina predicts the future …

— Carolina accepts only people with real problems — he interrupts me. — Do you have a problem?

— Yes, — I assure him. — Day before yesterday I lost my job and …

— Carolina will not look for you to work — dry cuts and he's going to go.

— Wait a minute! I want to know why it happened, what do I do?

— What to do? — He asked. — The Rite to do! Special ritual for good luck in their work.

— How much does it cost?

— Ten thousand. Perhaps more.

— Maybe I'll go first all the same advice?

— A young man! — Very annoyed he says. — Me to you. Just that. Dahl. Advice. Everything.

Fail. I had no choice but to go outside. At the door, I encounter an old lady out of breath.

— Do you happen to Carolina? — I ask her.

— By Caroline! That does not take? — She is frightened.

— No, it is taking. And what is your problem, if I may ask?

— Oh … my son is drinking. I was already in Carolina, so she helped me, help! Son stopped drinking!

— Wow! And now what happened?

— So after all I'm saying — son drinks.

— You said you quit!

— Gave Up. And now began again.

— How does it help you if he started drinking again? — I was about to cry.

But the grandmother is not responding. She looks at me condescendingly sympathetic look in her eyes read: "Oh, my dear, do something you do not understand." And going to the reception.

Artem Kostyukovsky

10.03.2004

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