Many parents believe that praise helps the child gain self-confidence. In fact, the result is often the opposite: the child becomes nervous, ill-behaved. Why? Yes, because the more he gets undeserved praise, the more often tends to show their "true nature." Parents often tell us: is it worth to praise your child for good behavior — and it is as a chain breaks down, as if trying to deny praise.
How can you praise and could not be
Does this mean that praise "outdated"? Not at all. However, do not use it right and left. After all, appointing a cure for the patient, the physician necessarily indicate the time of their admission, the dose takes into account the contraindications, the possibility of allergic reactions. Praise — it is also a medicine, and potent, and it should be treated with caution: evaluate, one can only praise the actions and deeds of the child, and not his own.
Here's an example that shows how to praise. Eight-year Andrew did a good job in the garden rake leaves gathered and threw garbage, neatly folded into place tools. Mother liked his work and expressed his approval of his son.
- Mother: In the garden was so dirty … I do not think you can remove all in one day.
- Andrew: I could not!
- Mother: It was full of leaves and junk.
- Andrew: I'm all cleaned.
- Mother: That's the job!
- Andrew: Yeah, it was not easy.
- Mother: The garden is now a beautiful, pleasant to look at him.
- Andrew: It has become clear.
- Mother: Thank you, son.
- Andrew: (grinning). Not at all.
Andrew's mother praised the act, and the boy felt the joy and pride because he committed it. That night, he eagerly waited for his father to come home to show him the garden and clean again feel pride in their work.
If praise evaluates the child, not the act, it is only harmful. For example, this:
- You are a wonderful son.
- You're a real mother's helper.
- What mother would do without you?
Such comments only cause of doubt and anxiety, the child feels that he is not a "wonderful son" and just can not be that a model son. Therefore, without waiting for his "expose", he would prefer to immediately relieve his conscience, confessing in any wrongdoing.
Praise also strikes the eye as a bright sun — and as much blind. The child becomes uncomfortable if it is called wonderful, sweet, generous, humble. He feels that he has to rebut the praise, at least partially. You can not say out loud, "Thank you, I accept your praise." But an inner voice tells the child that you can not honestly say to yourself:
"I was just wonderful, I and kind, and strong, and generous, and modest."
The child is not only refute praise, but also think of those who praise, like this: "If they think well of me, hence, themselves It is of little worth!"
Our words and conclusions of children
So, praise should be directed to the child's actions and deeds, not his personality. It is necessary to construct a comment so that the children themselves were doing positive conclusions about yourself and your abilities.
Ten-Jack helped his father to equip the basement of the house. During operation, he had to move heavy furniture.
- Father: Workbench is so heavy. It is difficult to move.
- Jack: (proudly) I did it.
- Father: The work is not easy.
- Jack: (bending and straining the muscles of the hand) I am strong.
In this example, the father pointed to the difficulty of the task. Son he concluded his abilities. And if the father said, "You're so strong, my son," Jack could answer: "Not at all. We have a boy in the class is stronger than me. " Followed by a humiliating and unnecessary dispute …
As children look in their own eyes
Praise consists of two components — our words and conclusions of children. Our words should express a clear appreciation of children's behavior, intentions, help the child to us, his understanding, etc, etc. It is necessary to clothe our judgment into a form that a child could almost infallibly make it a realistic conclusion about himself. Here are a few examples showing how to praise children:
Proper praise: "Thank you for what you washed the car. It now shines like new! "
Possible conclusion: "I did a good job, and my work appreciated."
(Incorrect praise: "You're just done.")
Proper praise: "Your poem touched me very much."
Possible conclusion: "It is good that I am able to write poetry."
(Incorrect praise: "For your age it is good poetry.")
Proper praise: "Bookcase, which you did, so beautiful!"
Possible conclusion: "I know how to carpentry."
(Incorrect praise: "You're a good carpenter.")
Proper praise: "Thank you, today you washed all the dishes!"
Possible conclusion: "I helped my mother."
(Incorrect praise: "You did it better than my mother.")
What the child says about itself in response to our words, and later he will repeat and mentally. These internal positive evaluation largely determine how baby will refer to itself and to the world.
Haim J. Dzhaynot,
based on site: http://www.materinstvo.ru/