My poor dad

It was evening. A quiet family evening in New Jersey. His wife was busy in the kitchen, my daughter and I were watching TV. The film is coming to an end. Villains were killed, the hero and heroine have found the relationship, and now the screen has been brewing for a final kiss.

I looked at my daughter. Laponka my baby my home, she excitedly munching potato chips, watching TV in their naive, wide-eyed. She was twelve years old. Happy innocent childhood, still untouched by the rust of vices. I said:

— And now to bed, baby. Wish Daddy good night.

— Daddy — ache baby — can I Sighted?

— You can not, Kisonka. This is a film for adults. Here grow big — and then searched.

— Well, Daddy, please! A little bit left. You see, they are kissing. Then they will do sex, but it did not show on TV. So the movie ends.

I fake cough.

— What do you mean, my child?

— Sex? — Naive daughter asked again, crunching potato chips. — Do not you know? Well, first they kiss. Then they start to get excited. The blood rushes to their genitals. A man has an erection. And they do sex.

I felt that I had the blood rush to his head. My mouth was dry.

— Sexual intercourse ends with orgasm — continued to tweet my darling.

— In this case the male sperm is poured. The woman has an orgasm does not always happen. Statistics show that almost half of women have never experienced an orgasm.

— Oh, my God! — I whispered. — How do you know all this?

— How? The school was held. And you did not study sex in school?

— How do you say. — I can hardly breath. — In theory — no. I’m studying in the Soviet school. There it is called uncomradely attitude towards women.

— How easy! A Soviet boys and girls do uncomradely attitude toward women?

— Mm-m … Sometimes. But the school did not take place.

— And you did not pass?

— No, of course.

— Poor Daddy! — Her naive children’s eyes looked at me with sincere sympathy. — So you’re not educated! And how in the Soviet Union are studying sex?

— Who is like. The drawings on the walls of public restrooms. According to the stories of yard bullies.

— And that, in the Soviet Union only bullies do sex?

— No, my child, — I said patiently. — Make all. Even members of the Communist Party. Just … how would you say … just do not say out loud. Do you understand?

— Not much — my daughter sighed. — For example, I like our lessons on sex education. They are very interesting. Initially, usually lecture, and then …

— Practical exercises? — I asked, turning cold.

— It seems to. We solve puzzles.

— Yeah, — I was delighted. — Puzzles we too decided. And poured out of the pipe, the pipe B is poured …

— What is poured? — Did not understand a daughter. — No, we have other tasks. For example this, listen. I wonder how you will solve it.

A girl named Abigail separated from her boyfriend, Gregory River, which teem with Aligator. Yacht Captain Sinbad offers Abigail move her to the other side, but only if she agreed to have sex with him. Abigail at first hesitates, but then makes sex with Sinbad and then reunites with her boyfriend Gregory. And they do sex. But then, when she says Gregory, at what price they are reunited, he comes in and throws Abigail indignation. She is in despair. Then another guy named Slag, disturbed behavior Gregory, beats him. Abigail gets excited and falls in love with Slag. And they do sex. Sprashivatsya in the problem: which of the heroes of this story is the moral?

— The challenge — sadly I said. — I think — alligators.

— Oh, well, you, Dad!

— Well, well, do not get angry. And what about this … education for your house too ask?

— Of course. Recently, it was a homework assignment: to come up and draw a picture adventure penis. It is interesting, is not it?

— Extremely. And what did you draw?

— A lot of things. Penis jumps on the prairies on a wild mustang. Penis fights with American corporations for a cleaner environment. Dildo Pussy kidnaps the princess …

— Oh, wei of the world!

— What is it, Daddy? Do you have a headache?

— No, no, nothing. Did you get a good grade?

— Yes. The teacher said that I have great taste in art and a subtle sense of sexuality.

She paused, apparently waiting for praise. I, too, was silent, overwhelmed by misery thrust upon me. She said:

— And next week we will begin to take oral sex.

— What, my child?

— Oral. Well, the word oral.

— Yeah. Oral sex, or what?

— What are you, Daddy. Just as a child. Well, oral, you know? You do, too, did not go to school?

— You see, my child, — I said, blushing at his own stupidity — I’ve already explained that in the Soviet school is nothing … um um … are not complicated. There are Marxism. Political economy. As a last resort — a botanist. Boys and girls out there called the Young Communists and Komsomol girls.

— And that, Daddy, Komsomol do oral sex?

— How to do it! — I take offense at his former compatriots. -And how do!

Then just above my head there was the distinct voice of his wife:

— How do you know, you beast?

It turned out that she left the kitchen and stood there, wiping her hands on an apron, and listening to the conversation.

— No, no, I do not know! — I cried in fear. — Just tell bullies. Also read about in books.

— Which is, interestingly, those books? I do not whether the statute of the Komsomol?

At this point, for my happiness, hissed something in the kitchen, zaburlilo, pulled into the living room of burning, and his wife rushed back.

— Laponka — I said to my daughter. — Let’s talk about something else. About the literature, for example. Or about the music.

— Come on, Daddy. According to the literature we pass by Oscar Wilde. He was a homosexual. And the music …

— Do not be about the music — I said, remembering the time of Tchaikovsky. — Go to bed.

— Okay, Daddy.

— She moved to her bedroom, but suddenly stopped, shaded by a new thought. Her delicate baby forehead wrinkle stretched the painful unresolved issues.

— Daddy, — she said. — If in the Soviet Union are not sex, then how do they explain to children where they came from?

— It is known as. That the stork brought. Or found in the garden.

— But it’s not true! — Her naive eyes opened even wider. — Did they deceive children?

— Oh, my child — I sighed. — If only the kids!

— What a mess! My poor dad! — She took my hand and looked sympathetically at me. — Znesh that? If you do not know something, you ask me. Do not be shy.

— Well, laponka. Thank you. Certainly. Good night.

We kissed each other. I went to take validol.

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