At age 15, I went to vocational school for documentary maintenance and management. I was not interested, but the money has not been normal training. Select more useful or enjoyable career for himself, I could not for medical reasons: I have asthma and the doctor forbade even think about the specialties associated with hard work, dust or appliances. After months of study at a vocational school I finally got bored, and I stopped going to classes.


In the study I have no one blew — everything was still. Two years engaged absolute nonsense: watching music channels, sometimes walking. When I was 17, we were an unknown old man came home and invited me to attend some mossy vocational school on the outskirts of the city in «tractor». How did he know where I live and that I was sitting around, still do not understand. But the offer refused.

The old man kept his head and offered to study there, but the barber. That’s when I agreed, thinking it somehow help me realized. In fact, I studied well. But the final exam flunked — friend set me up. We had to do a female haircut hairdo. We had to bring their models and cut before the commission. I arranged with a friend, and the night before the exam, she said she did not come. Kind of like having studied for what I did not want to become «comfortable» a friend who’d paid her entertainment. It annoyed her that I always wore the same clothes. For me it was just a thing, but for her — an indicator of «elite». I reproached that I have no money, that in his 18 I’m not working. Almost all the girls have behaved the same way, looking in our communication only benefit. Previously, I naively believed in love. But after a few failures … I lost faith. The body was protected from the constant experience apathy, indifference.

Pretty soon, I realized that nothing at all in this world is meaningless.

In the chat I met a girl who, like me, loved teasing is not the most intelligent inhabitants of the Network. With her on the internet I was more comfortable than the dull reality.

But our dialogue gradually came to naught, we have not met.


Although sometimes I even went for a walk, over and over again convinced, what is it silly hobby: we walked all day … and all. I do not understand why some are satisfied with such a life. After completing his studies at the barber (I still got a diploma, 2 months later than others) wanted to work on a specialty.

But the tools you need no money, and work without professional equipment was impossible. Other work would suit me — the mother of all life is interrupted by small jobs, constantly complains about it … So I decided not to work. He returned to idleness, but interesting to walk and did not return. By the end of 2011, I went for a walk a couple of times a month.

In 2012, I left the house twice.


Then, tired of this vicious circle — already ostochertevshie computer, idleness, depression, which would have to go to the doctor.

I myself could not bring himself simply could not do what I do not want, but you have … requested that the doctors brought her mother, but she told me that all is in order. Then I proved that wrong: poor pitched his laptop and box. First, I hit the mental hospital, where are the ordinary people: those rowdy drunk, elderly, people with nervous breakdowns. All kept in inhuman conditions: doctors do not care about you, only you would not have died right there. I was transferred to the regional hospital for examination. I thought that the regional approach will be different and there that will help me, but it turned out that all the same. There’s crazy wear pants on your head and walk through the corridors and violent and can beat, but for them it will be nothing. To me there is not even a diagnosis set.

I just lay on the hard as concrete bed, just doing nothing, and after 10 days was discharged at his own request.

It all started again. I’m resigned to the fact that no matter what is not capable. And it’s not about the money, because where is the guarantee that sitting in a hot tub in a luxurious penthouse will be happy? ..

From home, I almost did not go. Summer — a good reason not to go at all. In winter, when I was wrapped in a cloth, I was difficult to single out from the crowd. I used many times fell for rocker, an informal form that some alcoholics get to the bottom, then teenagers. Inquiries, subring, and not from one person but from the whole group … I met the New Year with a «friend». One of his company began to pester me, «What earring?» Blows to the head.

I threw it in the snow, but it was quickly picked up and beat me … from all sides. Then on the same concert two men clung to the fact that I have long hair, and began to beat right in front of the stage. We live by the laws of the wild world. The serpent in the wilderness or people in the city-all behave the same. According to Darwin’s theory, I — the weakest link, unable to survive in this world. And I gave up. Music is sometimes comforting, but … I can not always remember about her, even when sad.

Lost Highway

I do not want to leave the house, not because now I have a normal computer, but because there is no reason to leave. So here I sit, do nothing. I dread to think about the future, about what the next few years will not change anything. On my last birthday, my mother bought a roll, and one — one that, surprisingly, I still did not give up, — to put in the game by 200 rubles. That’s the whole holiday. From childhood, we impose an ideal conception of the world: love, justice, good triumphs over evil, and the like. We were not prepared for the reality, where every step of hatred, malice and greed. I was also not prepared for such. And I could not accept the world as it is. He also could not accept me.

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