To say that the phones in the children’s service trust is not never fall silent, it would be unfair. «Cases and pause. In good weather, fewer calls — who would like at this time to stay at home? After the hotline does not usually call on the move «, — said the head of the child helpline» Gavroche «Julia Kontsova. Still, the calls come frequently. From harmless «I’m afraid one at home» to the desperate «I will not need you!».
What problems call the children?
The main causes of children’s desk calls to professionals conditionally divided into three groups:
• problems with peers;
• Difficulty in tuition;
• relationships with parents.
According to statistics from the Moscow City University of Psychology and Education, the problem of relations with peers, each dedicated to a fourth call. This conflicts and misunderstanding of others and ourselves.
Often there are so-called light calls that adults already know what the real problem is, can only smile. But psychologists refer to them with absolute seriousness. «For example, calling the girl from elementary school:» I was immediately offended girlfriend. » Start asking, «What happened?» He answered: «I hurt her "unintentionally". And she thought that "chayanno"». And we begin to understand the odds, «- says Yulia Kontsova.
But, alas, there are conflicts and more complex, for example, when the class begins baiting. Unfortunately, it is quite common, in fact, the problem of «younger». If before such a relationship in the team it was more inherent in teenagers, but now with this face and the children of the elementary school.
«The problem of isolation, complaints about aggressive behavior of their peers and older children, recognizing that humiliate, insult, — these are the main reasons for calls to a help children 8-10 years», — said the head of the Center of Emergency Psychological Aid MGPPU Olesya Vihristyuk.
When received similar complaints, psychologists primarily establish the reason why the child turned out to be an outcast and whether this is his fault.
«And this is the most difficult moment. For several years in regional helplines for children, I have repeatedly faced with the fact that the child simply does not understand that snitch on their peers or insulting joke about others — really bad. It seems to him that he does «this» and did not blame those who did not love him and hurting.
Find out the reason, we begin to seek a way together, discussing how to act: just change the behavior or situation is such that without the intervention of elders can not do. After all, some of the children do not understand that the snitch is not good for nothing, and someone does not dare to complain even when the situation does require this, «- says child psychologist Marina Speranskaya.
The reason — the loneliness
No less than the children suffer from the indifference on the part of peers, when they feel that they are not interested in and do not need. Yes, parents say: «We need you, we love you, you’re wonderful,» — but the child is not enough.
«Sometimes, the child seems to be that he is very different from the others. For example, most of the guys in the class is interested in computer games, and he is attracted to the book. He wanted to talk about the read, but the class is not interesting. He feels lonely, useless. These difficulties call us. And the psychologist becomes a man, who, at first, talking to your child about what he is concerned about, and secondly, it tries to «return» to the class.
It is important that the child wondered whether absolutely all classmates, he is not interesting. He begins to analyze, remember that a few people with him still occasionally communicate. And realizing this, he ceases to think, «I do not like all» — and begins to look at things differently, «- explains Julia Kontsova.
The reason — the love
Of course, the relationship — it is also a «matter of the heart.» No wonder they say love knows no age. «Children, even first-graders, call to ask how to attract the attention of the object of its love, complaining about a quarrel with her lover and friends (friends-rival in love. Sometimes it is harmless and cute. For example, a seven-year boy asks how to propose to his beloved, that it is not changed my mind to their age. But more often it is the tears of despair and our long conversations with the analysis of quarrels or even separation.
By the way, in my experience — continues to Marina Speranskaya — with questions of how to attract a loved one or how to make peace, often call children up to 14-15 years.
But for the older audience-from 15 years — other problems. Girls complain that parents are not allowed to meet with her lover, who is much older. Boys — to the fact that girls prefer their elders. And those and others — that parents do not understand their feelings. Or learn about the intimate connection, locked the house. Not often, by calling in tears, talking about an unexpected pregnancy or fear (what to do), or in despair (parents insist on an abortion!). «
The reason — the difficulty with parents
The problem of lack of contact with the parents of the children concerned is not less than the problems with peers.
«Children do not ever want to obey parental authority, to fulfill the requirements of adults, or complain that parents do not want to meet their needs: do not buy something important, limit freedom» — lists the most common, but less acute problem Olesya Vihristyuk.
The most keenly — complaints pas abuse in the family. When the psychologist realizes that the child is really threatened by adults, he always invites him to report their position. He explains that, if he agrees, he will help the police or social services. Sometimes the children themselves call the helpline to ask is this, and not for the support and sympathy.
«But the problem is that even with rough handling and undeserved punishment some children feel guilty about what’s happening themselves. «My mother says I’m unwell. How can I be good? «-sprashivaet Child. And do not ask because it is limited in sweet because of the frequent whims, although this is certainly the case. And because my mother, for example, spends on drink all the money and do not buy him food. It’s terrible for the children sometimes feel really guilty, though not understand what. And the task of the psychologist on the other end — to convince the child that he needs help «- adds Marina Speranskaya.
The reason — I do not want to learn
Another common cause of children’s complaints — Difficulty in tuition. «Reluctance to study, in principle, or to go to extra classes, conflicts with teachers, fear of examinations. These calls are received only during the school year, their nickname comes at the end of spring, when the children pass the GIL, the exam, «- says Olesya Vihristyuk.
But apart from exams for children have something to share. «According to my observations, most of the children concerned conflicts with teachers. But they do not dare to talk about their parents, because they believe that adults necessarily stand on the side of adults. In second place — underachievement and experiences that an object does not («I — the last in the class, become repeaters»).
But overt unwillingness to learn is rare. Even if at the beginning of a telephone conversation the child says, «I’m sick of all, give up school» — in the course of conversation it turns out that he was just hard are some science, but to pull knowledge is still possible, «- said Marina Speranskaya.
The reason — the most terrible thoughts
«The percentage of calls related to suicide, about the same both in Russia and abroad. It is about 1.5-2%. In general, the crisis calls from children receives about 3%.
From the usual crisis characterized by the fact that a child is not just calling to consult or complain, and already on the verge of some kind of negative action. Because of unrequited love, loneliness, serious problems in the family.
The child is so difficult to cope with the situation, he had a thought to harm themselves or another person, drop out of school, out of the house, «- says Olesya Vihristyuk, head of the Center of Emergency Psychological Aid MGPPU.
A clear pattern, what to do in such cases, no — all individually. But the main task of the psychologist in the crisis handling — balmy heat of passion and continue a dialogue with the child.
«Since our service is anonymous, we can find out the coordinates of an opponent only with his consent. And in crisis cases (there is a threat to life and health), the psychologist tries to do everything possible for that. There are times when children call and say they have already taken a large dose of tablets, and then they call your address and our specialist urgently sends it to the emergency services. It happens that a child calls at night, on the street and did not want to go home. The task of a psychologist — to find out his whereabouts to pass coordinates in the special services, «- she continues.
The reasons for which the number of a telephone hotline for children gaining adults, not too little.
In most cases, the parents call when they can not find a common language with the child to resolve the conflict, here and ask for help, advice.
More rarely — this is when parents are PA verge of divorce or already divorced and, not knowing how to smooth out the experience of the child, consult with psychologists.
«And sometimes happens so that mom or dad feel themselves: their child needs to talk to an expert, then call us — to find out what psychologists we work, their qualifications, then handed the phone to a child», — says Yulia Kontsova.
Sometimes the service of trust becomes literally «magic wand» for mom or dad, who urgently need to absent himself for a short while out of the house, and leave the child with whom. Then they write it helpline number and the offer to call him, if he becomes suddenly frightening. Psychologists have many ways to zapyat children in such cases. From fairy tales to educational games.
«And yet we often call her grandmother, consult on raising their grandchildren, often they feel that their children are properly raise their children, and they are trying to enlist the support of a psychologist. Grandmother — a very active part of our audience.
Also received requests from third parties, such as neighbors who heard the baby crying or screaming constantly behind the wall, and they suspect something bad «, — adds Olesya Vihristyuk.
And by the way, experts say that the view that most of the telephone hotline are children from disadvantaged families, is absolutely wrong. Calling a variety of children, because the need to talk and the desire to be heard does not depend on the social status of the family.
Parents, do not panic!
But sometimes parents call just because they felt surprised by the unexpected discovery: «My child helpline called ?!» Someone overheard someone found in the «outgoing calls» an unknown number and dialed it. Mom and Dad, a second ago convinced that a child have a full understanding, panic: «What he did, he could not tell me?»
«Indeed, there is an opinion: if the child phoned the helpline, so it does not entrust his parents. But in reality things are not so bad. If the parents ‘return’ in his childhood, remember that children and especially adolescents are more inclined to trust their peers and to third parties. In this case the hotline becomes a «mediator» helps to achieve mutual understanding between adults and children. After all, a child psychologist called upon to explain the position of the parents, so that he took it, and the parents — child psychology.
Sometimes the child calls and says: «But you’re too adult, then I do not trust you!» But do not put the handset. Later, after a long confidential conversation, he suddenly realizes that adults can understand it, they can be trusted. This alone is a kind of «bridge» by which he will be able to make a step towards parents.
That is why it is important to take the parents if the child is asked to trust the service, it does not mean that it was their less loving or less trusted. Simply, there are some issues that it’s hard to talk with mom or dad. And much better if it is to talk about it with a specialist, rather than begin to discuss with peers or the anonymous Internet forums «, — Mrs. Olesya Vihristyuk.