Even in the event of a dispute amicably FAMILIES. Psychologists believe, from this natural aspect of human relations have to protect children not only impossible, but also not necessary. However, if the conflict flared up in front of them, IMPORTANT get out of it without damaging SMALL unwitting witness.
Almost every weekend the family of Olga and Sergei turns one and the same battle, which they call their «bad tradition». «My husband and I have agreed to substitute for each other in the morning, — says Olga, the mother of two daughters — 5-year-old Sasha and 3-year-old Xenia. — Until one of us gets to the children, the other can sleep. When this «my morning», I always cook a healthy breakfast, allowing girls in this short cartoon look. Then we change clothes and read a book or go for a walk. I really important that children have the sutra were busy with something interesting and useful. » This scenario changes drastically when his turn comes to the Pope. «When I wake up and go to the living room, we find children in their pajamas, glued to the television, — says Olga. — Pope immersed in our own laptop, and instead of the normal breakfast he offers children something ready — at best, it is a sweet cheese. » Sergey, in turn, is convinced that if children bleeders just a couple of hours a week, nothing terrible will happen. Olga, seeing this picture, each time coming out of himself. Olga admits that her husband — a great father and the rest are almost always understood and supported each other. «But the morning of the output is converted to some insurmountable barrier between us — she says. — We talked about it a thousand times. He promised to correct the situation, but nothing changes. It infuriates me. » The dispute on Saturdays-Sundays, gradually turns into a loud conflict, which is already included and children: «Mom, Dad, stop shouting.» «Children — are the signal that makes me stop — he admits Olga. — But the mood in the morning already spoiled. » If you have children, then in a similar situation when they are witness to your family disagreements are likely to have visited you.
«It is impossible to agree with each other, always and everywhere, — says Mark Cummings, professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame, studied the development of children in the context of family relationships. — And especially for children to pretend that only the family reigns idyll, pointless and harmful, because they perfectly feel any falseness. » However, with all this protracted scandal in front of the child she acts on a much more destructive than we think. Professor Cummings says that the children — it is literally emotional Geiger counters. At the age of six months, babies are sensitive to the conflict home. Even without understanding the words, young children read what is happening around them as a threat and they have dramatically increased blood pressure. Studies show that a parent’s willingness to resolve any disputes influences the development of the child’s mind and abilities of the child to accept new knowledge.
Not every silence — gold
However, family conflicts, which are not of a protracted nature, and time and properly resolved, go to the benefit not only for adults but also children. Children need to know that even the happy couples have serious differences, and the frustration and anger are the natural human emotion. Xenia recognizes that she and her husband try to avoid grave scandal, but «noisy controversy» still occur. As an example, a recent, over the question of where to put the printer. «Perhaps it’s even a good idea that our five year old son sees controversy — a normal part of life. And it does not mean for him that my husband and I love each other less, or are going to get a divorce. «
If the children have never seen how you can express your feelings, you run the risk of not just learn how to resolve conflicts. And the fear of a possible conflict will make them more likely to suppress their emotions and feelings, because the situation as it appears the child can not be corrected. «When the children grow up and face their own problems in a relationship, they simply will not form an emotional readiness to deal with it — says child psychologist Olga Svetlov. — Often, these people do is much easier to cut off all communication, you begin to speak openly. » If all parental quarrels occur only behind closed doors, and the kids at the same time presented a blatant lie: «No, no, we do not fight, all is well» — whereas they see and feel the opposite, it is likely, very soon they will no longer I trust you not only in this but in all other spheres of life.
More suggestible children whose parents enjoyed unshakable authority may then simply stop believing yourself — your own feelings and sensations, preferring to continue to compare their performance with others’, «correct» opinion. And begin to see lies in the relationship for granted. Of course, honesty with the children does not imply the need to explain to them all the details of your conflict. «Yes, we had a fight with my dad, but we talked about it and have made it up» — something like this can be explained by what is happening, if a child witnessed. «In addition, it is important that the baby did not have any suspicions that he is to blame for what is happening, — says Olga Svetlov. — After all, if a collision parents are protracted and never run out of reconciliation, the child whose stable peace is destroyed by this, starts to blame himself. This is especially true in authoritarian families where parents do not seek to create a trusting relationship with the children. In such families, the adults are always a priori wrong, and the children are guilty. No one talks to them from the heart, and certainly not asking for forgiveness. The child starts to live with the feeling that, once mom and dad are angry, then it is he did something wrong. Often in this situation, he deliberately tries to be obedient: he cleans without reminders toys, goes to sleep, do not contradict the elders. But all his attempts fail — parents continue to clash. And the feeling that he is weak, and his world is crumbling, just usu1ublyaetsya. » Therefore, any child, it is important to be sure that the parents agreed, and the family is still all quiet.
Correct quarrel: the secrets of success
First of all, in any conflict, both sides must avoid holds barred: abusive epithets at each other, yelling, slamming the door.
threats of divorce. True, life is everything, including «hot» situations when you feel that prudence is leaving you. Perhaps the advice of our experts will help you better to keep emotions under control.
1) Reduce the degree of irritation, «Each of us has a threshold voltage that we can bear, — says Olga Svetlov. — It is important to identify those time signals that the body sends to us, until the conversation is not strained to the point where any discussion ceases to be productive. Approaching this point it may be expressed in different ways, but it is important to catch. You start talking louder? You are experiencing discomfort in the stomach? Can not get rid of the irritation to the partner, regardless of what he says or does? Try, by analogy with the management of the car, mentally push the lever inner brake. Go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. Honestly tell your partner that you need time to recover myself and talk in a calm state. «
If you can not leave the space in which turned out to be, for example traveling in the car, just change the subject. You may think that children do not listen to you. But it is not — they are always carefully capture the emotional changes. Therefore, it is important to negotiate with a partner, if a river overflows its banks quarrel, you take a little time out. And usually it should be inviolable, the witnesses of what is happening — your children.
2) If you sort through in the hottest time of the quarrel, you wisely taken time out to be alone, fix in your mind or on paper those important to you the arguments you wish to make. This will help focus and calm down, but the situation itself will open in a new light. When you’re back to the discussion, thanks to these records, you will be able to talk calmly.
3) To criticize is not a partner, and his actions since the conversation, always use the pronoun «I». «I am very worried when you give children sweets before dinner» is psychologically more accurate and honest interlocutor conveys your feelings than «We talked about it a thousand times, but you never listen to me!» -utverzhdaet American psychotherapist, director of the Center of children under Year Tova Klein. — Hold on discussion topics and avoid generalizations. It is not necessary to words like «always» and «never» sounded as arguments. This will make your partner tug is on the defensive, which will only add fuel to the fire. «
4) Do not bow our children to his side all what they want children — is that the scandal quickly stopped. «They never have to face a choice, which side, my mother} ‘or the father’s, they borrow, — says child psychologist Olga Svetlov. — It is really a desire for the other parent to put in an unfavorable light and enlist child «support» is the desire to hurt the partner and to take revenge for the insult that you are experiencing. » Needless to say, it acts as a disruptive for the child, who are equally dear mom and dad!
5) Do not try to win Listen to the arguments of his opponent as objectively as possible. After all, you started not dispute the sake of argument, first of all, before you issue that must be addressed. If you take the point of view of each other with respect, for the children, it will be a good example that every difficult situation has several solutions. And a compromise — the best and convenient way out of the impasse differences.
Anxiety in children manifests itself in different ways. Some people are trying to leave the «battlefield», once they catch the beginning of a possible conflict. They defiantly closed eyes, ears, or flee from the room. Others rush to protect mom or dad. Anyway, the children do not get used to the hostile atmosphere and in a way to resist it. Headaches and stomach pain, loss of appetite or, on the contrary, the increased demand for high-calorie, fatty foods and flour — piece of evidence that the child is suffering from what is happening.
But the situation in which it is not so easy to keep yourself in the hands periodically occur in each. Our expert Dr. Tova Klein, herself mother of three children, says a recent heated argument with her husband that erupted in the morning due to their four year old son Jess. Baby woke up in a bad mood, crying and asked me not to take him to kindergarten. «My husband, a doctor, was convinced that her son is all right and it is not necessary to go to meet its» whim «. I also understand that the child is not so sick, how tired — it needs a psychological relief. However, if we left it at home, would any difficulty — the urgent search for a nanny. But I feel that it is necessary to meet his son, as he usually goes with such joy in the garden. However, her husband was opposed. » As a result, after a stormy debate in the eyes of the children of the couple still come to an agreement — Jay went with my mother to work. «My husband and I are able to agree on most things — says Dr. Klein. -Just A few moments of our lives and education of children are of importance to me or my husband. Inferior to the one for whom the situation is not so significant. «
What we can not speak
Worry about money. Your anxiety in a conversation on this topic can scare children. And the older the child is already well aware that the products in the store and bought toys just for the money the parents earn. So you should just calmly and honestly say, «Yes, now the money is not very good. Perhaps something we can not buy, but we still will always be everything you need. » The child must be confident that no matter what, the son of calm prevails. Discipline children Children need to understand that their behavior in relation to mom and dad are always at the same time. If one of you openly contesting another important educational decisions, in the eyes of a child reduces the parental authority. After all, if the decision not agree mom or dad, you and the baby, as it seems, too, can not agree to, and keep checking their borders. Children can be excellent manipulators.
Life changes should not publicly discuss the hypothetical possibility of divorce, relocation, job loss. Children should be devoted to what is happening only when the event has already happened and you have a plan for further action.
Concern for the child, «his new friend bad influence on him,» «She still does not know how to read» — this range of questions should be addressed to the teacher, psychologist or your partner is strictly private.
Your sex life answer is clear: under no circumstances!
From romodeniya two Children at this age are sensitive to your tone and body language, and can capture the emotional subtext of conversations. You can hotly debated scanned the film, and the baby receives only one message: the two most dear to him a man shouting at each other. It is important to always maintain a calm and even tone. Even if the baby does not cry, but you argued loudly with him, hugging each other, take the child in his arms and looking him in the eye, will calm gentle words. Preschoolers It is often the children perceive themselves to blame for the parent argument. At this age, children tend to so-called «magical thinking.» The child lives in a magical feeling that he — the center of the universe. And his imagination makes its own way to events: «If I had not hurt my sister, mum and dad would not hurt each other», — thinks the child. Hug him, saying: «We are with the Pope were both wrong, but reconciled and all is well.»