Sex therapy

For change-your-life sex advice, sex psychotherapist, Rachel Morris

Whydon’tmen stick around?

Men always blank me after I sleep with them. I don’t understand — I’m really good in bed and try everything to please them. I see much less attractive girls than me with boyfriends all the time. What am I doing wrong?

You’re suffering from selective perception — only seeing what you believe to be true, and overlooking evidence to the contrary. Assuming all men are shallow, sex-crazed dogs looking for porn queens and Barbie dolls means they’re the only kind of men you see, and the only ones you’ve learnt how to attract. Men who want relationships look for someone they can relax and have a laugh with. A pretty face and a sexy kink are smashing bonuses but, without the cake, they’re just meaningless cherries. Close your legs and open your eyes. Learn how to talk to men rather than flirt with them, to help you make a real connection.

I want him to take charge!

I wish my boyfriend would dominate me in bed, but I’m scared it’ll turn him off. He admires strong women and likes it when I take charge, which was fine at first but now I’m left feeling disappointed. Can you imagine how confused men feel about treating women respectfully? Is opening a door for her polite or patronising? Is showing her who’s boss in the bedroom masterful and sexy or bullying and scary? If it’s strength he loves, hearing you tell him what to do to you and how to do it will blow his mind! Bear in mind, sexual power play is reversible: if you know how delicious it is to receive, giving it becomes just as pleasurable. Trust him. Tell him — and watch the tables turn.

Do women like anal?

I really want to try anal sex but no women I’ve been with were up for it. In general is it something women are not keen on?

There’s no ‘in general’ when it comes to sexual taste; you’ll need to broach this subject anew each time. Some women would only consider it in the context of a relationship; some are disgusted or afraid by the very idea of it. I’ve met very few women who claim to have enjoyed it (but they do exist). Anal sex can be painful and messy. It can leave women feeling degraded — or it can make a couple feel especially intimate. Just be sure to ask how she feels about it before you knock on her back door.

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