The daft heroes*

BRUCE WILLIS, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are meeting their agent who wants to put forward some ideas for a new film.

We’ve got some scripts of classical composers. Who do you want to be?”

“Can I be Beethoven?” asks Willis.

“I’d love to be Mozart,” says Stallone.

“Who do you want to be, Arnie?” asks the agent.

Schwarzenegger replies, “I’ll be Bach.”

Out in the cold*

A COUPLE are on holiday in Spain with their young son. The only way to get any action’s to make him play on the balcony. When they finally get down to it, he begins a commentary on what he can see.

“A lady in a hat is eating ice cream,” he announces. Then he shouts, “A man has a dent in his car.” Moments later he screeches, “The people who sat next to us on the plane are shagging!”

His parents’ fun halts. “How do you know that?” asks his dad. “Because they’ve made their kid stand on the balcony too,” comes the reply.

Wife sentence!*

My hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a complete tip, the dishes aren’t done, I’m still in my pyjamas, and I don’t have anything worth cooking! Why the f**k did you bring your mate home?”

Stuck up guy*

HARRY AND Pete are in the gym getting changed after a game of squash. Pete can’t help but notice a large cork lodged up Harry’s backside.

“Why the hell’s that there?” he asks.

Harry replies “It’s stuck up there.

” asks Pete.

“Well, I was walking along the beach when I found an old bottle.

I picked it up and a genie popped out and told me, ‘Your wish is my command.’”

Richard Herring:*

“It’s important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live mine by: ‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend.”

Russell Howard:

“Kids do really well in their A-levels. How do we respond? ‘A-levels are getting easier.’”

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